Ravings of a Manic Pixie Dream Girl

It’s not you, it’s me-
These are the words that will fall from my lips
At the end of our time together.

You see, I just can’t be tied down, and you-
All the better because of it-
Will take your very first steps into your
New life of super fulfilled-
Super quirky awesomeness!

But until that day comes around,
Let me be the body of your fantasy-
The mind of the woman you want me to be-
Let me save you from yourself
And maybe then we’ll see-
If you can heal my broken soul-
So our hearts can love freely-

Awestruck, you whisper close-
“I just have to figure you out”
Not so much discover, but defined
By whatever it is you make of me
From the expectations in your mind.

Never myself, but Hell, why not see,
How much like your dream girl
You think I can be!
Etching my sorrows on the backs of locked doors-
And there is where they’ll stay,
Because really-
Who wants to hear them anyway?

You’re out of your mind,
And guess what,
I’m am too!
Did it ever occur
This is too good to be true?

And now it seems our story
Has reached its dramatic end.

You were too blinded to see
The real reason this could never work-
Darling, it’s you. Not me

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Time Lost

You gave me a guitar with broken strings
And promised me my soul was made of music,
But as the years went on
And silence reigned
I lost my beat to the buzz
of a society restrained.

You haven’t mentioned the music since.

You bought me paint
As a form of release for the colors of
Chaos that consume my mind-
And for a time my passion flowed
Blended by brushes and for once
I was in control of a world all my own
And for a time I didn’t feel so alone,
But the colors dried wrong
And my brushes all broke-

We haven’t spoken of my art since.

You gave me ballet shoes
So I could learn how to dance.
Show my thoughts through my body,
And perhaps by chance add some
Discipline to the fire within me.
But I couldn’t keep up-
My bones just wouldn’t bend,
I just couldn’t fake it, I couldn’t pretend-

The wild in me always won in the end.

The expectations were just too much
Always afraid of losing touch
With what I now know was never even
Mine to begin with.

The disappointment was draining
And why should it be?
Don’t you see,
I was only a child then-

. . .

I bought myself a notebook,
And when the years weighed heavy on my heart,
I wrote this poem as a reminder
That no matter how much 
time you feel is lost
Know it’s never too late for a brand new start.

Scratch

Keep calm and keep it inside-
All the pain of searing scars-
The self doubt, self deprecation-
Something just isn’t right here.

The scratches down my back
Should be soothing
In the same way a stubbed toe
Distracts from a splinter,
Numbing everything else-
If only for a second.

And if nothing else, shouldn’t
The raised skin remind me
That you wanted to be here?
At least in the moment,
You wanted

Me

For some strange reason
Something in me caught your eye,
Something in this self
Put together from scratch,
Rebuilt every morning
Because the end goal-
Just getting it right-
Still seems so far out of reach.

You say there’s something here,
Something strong for putting up
With the bullshit for so long,
But if that’s true then why does this
Feel so fucking wrong?

I’m not allowed to love myself,
You see?
It’s just not the way society raised me to be.

Love thy neighbor,
But hate thy self-

Shelf your dreams
For the sake of the machine
And keep on rebuilding from scratch.

Maybe if originality and trust
Were valued more than
Appearances and lust
I could maybe love you,

But you have a lot to learn too,
Because darling, don’t you see?
You don’t really love me-

Just the parts-
Put together from scratch.

On the Last Night

On the last night
I whispered sweet nothings into your ear
The entire way back to my place.

I knew what I wanted-
And you knew what I wanted-
But a girl’s got to play it coy, ya’ know?

So I turned away and blushed-
So you made the first move-

And what was supposed to be a kiss goodnight
Spiraled into something more

As your hands grew bold-
And my resolve faded away-
And I let myself be consumed by the flames-

You gave me mine in the front seat-
I gave you yours in the back-

I saw stars and stars
And wasn’t that was the same car from before?

But I let it go-
I’m not so innocent now, am I?

The pool of black lace at my feet reminds me-
Well what do you know, the windows really do fog up-

Do the seats still smell like sex?
And how did you explain it in the morning?

And how did it make you feel
When you drove away for good?

O.S

It’s funny how in but a breath
A lifetime can be lived twice-
And in the blink of an eye
I find my mind beginning to unwind
Darling, I swear over the rapid’s roar
I have never been so at peace-
As I fall, enveloped in the cerulean sky-
I could die, so why does that thought not bother me?

No, my body knows what to do,
Just let go of my shoelaces and I’ll take care of this one-
I think I may have been here before-

In a moment I am baptized into something anew-
It’s cold, but not an unpleasant feeling-

I wonder who I’ll be once I find my way back to you-
And why I find this so- exciting- In a zen sort of way-
Acting on instinct-
Maybe it’s time I got away from myself for a little bit,

But no, even from down here I can hear you cry my name
And I have no choice but to tame the fire
This flood gave way to-
For you I can wait a little bit longer-

I breach the surface and you pull me in again-
Gasping for air
You stare as I laugh in such a way
You haven’t seen me do in years-
Maybe I really have been reborn here-
But in the now I’m too tired even care-

Bring me back to the edge sometime-
Exhaustion is what I needed all along.

Wishing on Clocks

Dreamers of a different kind
Will chase their desires until death,
And even then, just maybe
A little bit further-

Watching dandelion dust transform
Into wings, carried on the whispered
Prayers that have fallen on deaf ears
One too many times-
A last resort we repeat every chance we get-

Desperation is a dangerous drive-
When combined with something else-
To hold together that which has already
Been broken for so long-

I have become a dreamer of my own kind-
Frayed on every edge with doubts-
And damn it-
The thought that when you fade
The world will just stay the same-

I wish on clocks because
Maybe this time it will be different-
Waiting on hands and faces
We’re always wishing to be,
But lack the bite to break through-
And I know I shouldn’t believe this to be true,
But do you even miss me when I’m gone?

I wish on clocks
Because this time
I hope it will be different.

Love Does Not Come Peacefully

Love does not come peacefully.
It is not enchanted meadows
Or grand castles
Where a single kiss can change fate
And lead two newly entwined souls
Down the road of happily ever after.A lie as old as time, these storybook
Fantasies we dream, and wish, and cry-
And still that fabled glass slipper
Never seems to fit
But that’s because love is not a fairytale-
Not even close-We say it’s not real when it’s ours
Because there are no gowns,
Or magic, or musical numbers
To let us know that our storybook dream
Is finally coming true.
And then we let it go,
More empty than before.
Because real love just disappeared,
And we didn’t even know…

Love does not come peacefully.
Love keeps you guessing,
It keeps you on your toes-
It makes you pull your hair out
And question everything you’ve ever
Known to be true-
And it challenges you-
See, it’s the best and the worst-
Because to be vulnerable terrifying,
But still, somehow warm,
And makes you feel safe and whole,
And how could something so sweet
Shatter a soul so thoroughly
And turn a heart to stone?

So no, love does not come peacefully-
It is chaos bred with bliss-
It kills, it renews-
So it’s a fucking hit or miss-
You can choose to run away,
Or stay and take the risk,
But still, soon it will find you,
You can be sure of this-
And you can try to keep it down,
Dim, hide and kill the spark-
But you know it will light again
And illuminate the dark
You try to live in-
Cold, safe and apart-
It’s either one of two ways
To torture a heart.To love or to lock,
I’ll pick fire every time-
Because a lonely life of ice
Just couldn’t ever be mine.
So yes, my heart will break-
Time and time again-
And so life will keep on changing
Until I meet the one and then-
Fuck no, “Happily Every After”
The adventure’s just begun!
We’ll be growing, learning, changing-
To love is like chasing the sun-And some stand still
And look-
And scoff-
And say that it’s a waste-
But those who keep on moving
Know it’s best to keep the pace-
And move on through the pain-
And exhaustion-
And even the bitter doubt.
Because to see the world through
Unjaded eyes-
Well…
That’s really what it’s all about.